What’s the difference between a clarinet and a mouse?
You can’t hear the mouse squeak over the entire band.
What would happen if you run over a clarinet with a steam roller?
It would B-Flat.
What’s the difference between a clarinet and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before jumping on a trampoline.
How do you confuse a clarinet player?
Put sheet music in front of them.
What’s the difference between a clarinet and garbage?
You have to take the garbage out once a week.
How do you turn a clarinet player into a drummer?
Put another useless stick in their hand.
What’s the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up a clarinet.
How many alto clarinet players can you fit in a phone booth?
All of them.
Want to hear a really funny joke?
Alto clarinet.
How do you keep your oboe from getting stolen?
Put it in a clarinet case.
What’s the difference between a clarinet and a bass clarinet?
The bass clarinet burns longer.
What’s the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet?
Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument after it’s done burning.
How do you get two clarinet players to play in tune?
Shoot one.
No really. How do you get two clarinet players to play in tune?
Shoot them both.
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A clarinet player.
How do you keep your jewelry safe?
Put it inside a clarinet case.
How many clarinet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but they need to try all the lightbulbs in the box until they find the best one.
How many clarinet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but they’ll keep messing up and blame their reed for it.
What’s the definition of a minor second?
Two clarinetists playing in unison.
How do you offend a sax player?
By calling their instrument a bass clarinet.
What’s the difference between a clarinet player and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops whining when you slap it.
How do you make a saxophone sound like a clarinet?
Miss a bunch of notes.
What did the clarinet player get on his IQ test?
Drool.
What’s worse than the sound of a clarinet?
Two clarinets.
What’s the difference between a clarinet player and a large pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
How can you tell if a clarinet is out of tune?
It’s playing.
What do you call a clarinet player without a girlfriend or boyfriend?
Homeless.
There were two people walking down the street.
One was a clarinetist. The other didn’t have any money either.
How do you get a clarinet player off of your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
What’s the difference between a clarinet solo and scraping nails down the chalkboard?
Vibrato
How do you know the stage is level?
The clarinet player is drooling from both sides of their mouth.
What does a clarinet solo have in common with a sneeze?
You know when it’s coming, but there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
Five clarinetists are going to a gig in a six-seater car. The car crashes and all the five clarinet players die. Why isn’t this considered a tragedy?
There could have been one more seat filled.
What do you call a clarinet player with half a brain?
Incredibly gifted.
Why do clarinets make such bad house sitters?
They can’t find the key and don’t know where to come in.
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in handicapped spaces.
What’s the definition of “nerd?”
Someone who owns their own alto clarinet.
What did the oboe say to the bassoon after a long day of rehearsal?
“At least we’re not clarinets.”
How does a composer get a clarinet to play a glissando?
Write a 16th note run.
What’s something a saxophonist can do better than a clarinetist?
Play the clarinet.
During every rehearsal, the oboe player noticed that the clarinetist would look at the inside flap of his jacket before he started playing. This went on for several years.
One hot and sunny day, the clarinetist took off his jacket and went to get a drink of water. While he was away, the oboe player looked inside the jacket.
He pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside. It said “left hand top, right hand bottom”.
Just remember: If you play clarinet, you are the joke.
