What’s the difference between a flute and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up a flute.
Why are all the other woodwind instruments jealous of the flute?
Because it’s the only woodwind that can win the No-Bell Prize.
Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument. What do they do with the other half?
Play out of tune.
Why do you never see a flute player take a breath?
Because they already have a vast supply of air in their heads.
How do you turn a flute player into a drummer?
Put a second useless stick in their hand.
What does a flute solo have in common with a sneeze?
You know when it’s coming, but there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
What do you call a flute player with half a brain?
Incredibly gifted.
What key is the alto flute pitched in?
G, I really don’t care.
Why do flutists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in handicapped spaces.
What’s the definition of a minor second?
Two piccolo players playing in unison.
How can you tell if a piccolo is out of tune?
It’s playing any note.
How do you get a million dollars playing the flute?
Start off with 2 million.
What’s the difference between a flute player and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops whining when you smack it.
How do you confuse a flute player?
Put sheet music in front of them.
What do you call two piccolos playing in tune?
A miracle.
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A flute player.
Why aren’t flute players smart like other woodwind players?
Because they don’t reed.
What’s the difference between a flute and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before jumping on a trampoline.
How do you know the stage is level?
The flute player is drooling from both sides of their mouth.
Why do flute players make such bad house sitters?
They can’t find the key and don’t know when to come in.
How many flute players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll just tell their boyfriends to do it.
Why did the piccolo player bring a ladder to the concert?
Because they wanted to reach the high notes!
How do you get two piccolos to play in tune?
Shoot one.
No really. How do you get two piccolos to play in tune?
Shoot them both.
Want to hear a funny joke?
Alto flute.
Want to hear an even funnier joke?
The piccolo.
Why was the flute player arrested?
She was in treble.
Why is the flute a divine instrument?
Because when you blow into it, only God knows what comes out.
How do you get a flutist to play softer?
Write “solo” above their part.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the flute recital.
What’s the difference between a flutist and garbage?
The garbage gets taken out once a week.
If a flute player and drummer got in a fight, who would win?
There would be no fight. The flute player would just whine until they got their way!
What musical instrument would a cucumber play?
A “Pickle-O”.
What’s the difference between a piccolo solo and scraping nails down a chalkboard?
People wince when they hear the piccolo solo.
What’s worse than the sound of a flute?
Two flutes.
How do you keep your jewelry safe?
Put it inside a flute case.
What’s the difference between a flutist and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a flutist.
What’s the range of a piccolo?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.
How do you make a piccolo sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a flute.
If you’re lost in the woods, who should you ask for directions? An in-tune piccolo player, an out-of-tune piccolo player, or Santa Claus?
The out-of-tune piccolo player. The other two indicate that you’re hallucinating.
How can you tell if a plane is full of flute players?
When the engines stop, the whining continues.
A flute player and a violin player were standing on a sinking ship. “Help!” cried the flute player, “I can’t swim!” “Don’t worry,” said the violin player, “Just fake it like you always do.”
Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, “Who was that flute I saw you with last night?” The other replies, “That was no flute, that was my fife.”
