How do you get a viola to sound good?
Sell the viola and buy a violin.
What’s the worst thing you can call a viola player?
A violinist.
What separates viola players from the apes?
The second violins.
How is lightning like a violist’s fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
What’s the difference between a violin and a viola?
You can tune a violin.
How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando?
Mark it as a “solo.”
What’s the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
What’s the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up a viola.
What’s the difference between a violin and a viola?
The viola burns longer.
Everyone knows the viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer?
It’s usually still in the case.
What’s the definition of a minor second?
Two violists playing in unison.
What’s the difference between a washing machine and a violist?
Vibrato.
How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
How was the canon invented?
Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.
Why is playing the viola like peeing your pants?
They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.
Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it’s too late to do anything about it.
What happened when the bank robber pulled a gun out of the viola case?
Everyone was relieved.
What do a a viola solo and a sneeze have in common?
You know it’s coming, but there’s nothing you can do about it.
Why are violin jokes so short?
So viola players can understand them.
How many viola players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high!
How can you make a violist play tremolo?
Write ‘solo’ above their part.
How do you know if the stage is level?
The violist starts drooling from both sides of their mouth.
What’s the difference between a coffin and a viola case?
The coffin has a dead body inside.
Why is a viola like a lawsuit?
Everyone’s relieved when the case is closed.
What is the definition of a cluster chord?
A viola section playing in unison.
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A violist.
How do you stop a violist from playing out of tune?
Remove the strings.
What’s one thing a violinist can do better than a violist?
Play the viola.
How do you get a violist to play louder?
Tell them to play softer.
What is the difference between a radio and a viola?
A radio plays music.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back row and just pretend to play.
What happened to the violin player who couldn’t keep time?
They were demoted to viola.
What do you call two viola players playing in unison?
Counterpoint.
What’s the best part of a viola?
The mute.
Why do so many people instantly dislike to the viola?
It saves time.
How was the canon invented?
Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.
What do you call two violists playing in unison?
A minor second
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
Want to hear a really funny joke?
The viola.
Why do viola players leave their instrument on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicap spot.
How do composers create an orchestral glissando effect?
Write a 16th note run for the violas.
Why don’t you take viola players hiking?
Because if they get lost, no one will notice that they’re missing.
Why can’t you hear a viola on a digital recording?
Because recording technology is now able to eliminate unwanted noise.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the viola recital.
What instrument do violists envy most?
The harp. You only ever have to play pizzicato on open strings.
How do you know if there’s a violist at your door?
They can’t find the key and don’t know when to come in.
What’s the difference between the first and last chair of the viola section?
About half a bar.
Why do violists always get lost?
Because their GPS is set to “allegro.”
How do you get two viola players to play in tune?
Shoot one.
No really. How do you get two viola players to play in tune?
Shoot them both.
What’s the difference between a violist and a large pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
Why didn’t the violist leave the orchestra?
Because they couldn’t find the key to their car.
How does a violist change a light bulb?
They don’t. They leave it out because it’s too dim anyway.
What do you call a violist that’s bad at playing the viola?
A violist.
What’s the difference between a viola and a bucket of manure?
The bucket.
Why do violists smile when they play?
Because ignorance is bliss.
How many violists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t reach that high.
What separates the 1st violins from the apes?
The 2nd violins.
Why do violists never play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
What’s the difference between a viola and a fish?
You can actually tune-a fish.
How do you stop a violist from drowning?
Take your foot of his head.
How do you confuse a viola player?
Put sheet music in front of them.
Why did the violist bring a ladder to the concert?
To reach the high notes.
What’s the difference between a violist and a battery?
A battery has a positive side.
Why did the violist cross the road?
To join one of the other string sections.
What’s the difference between a violist and a chainsaw?
Vibrato.
What’s the definition of an optimist?
A viola player with a full gig calendar.
How do you get a violist to play quiet?
Give them a solo.
How many violists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just let the violins do it.
Did you hear about the violist who played in tune?
Neither did I.
What’s the difference between a violist and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Why did the violist stare at the orange juice container?
It said “concentrate.”
What’s the similarity between the Beatles and the viola section of the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra?
Neither has played together since 1970.
What’s the difference between a viola and a vacuum cleaner?
A vacuum cleaner has to be plugged in before it sucks.
If you’re lost in the woods, who do you ask for directions? An in-tune viola player, an out-of-tune viola player, or Santa Claus?
The out-of-tune viola player. The other two are just your imagination.
How to rehair a viola bow?
Cut the old hair in two and remove it. That’s it.
What do you give a viola player sinking in quicksand?
More quicksand.
