Why did the violin player get kicked out of the orchestra?
Because they were a little too high-strung.
What’s the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist’s head is so much bigger.
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to.
Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high!
Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Violins don’t have a spit valve.
Why should you never hammer a nail with a violin?
You might bend the nail.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a violin?
Hamstrings.
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
What do a violin and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
What do all great violinists have in common?
They are deceased.
What separates viola players from the apes?
The second violins.
How do you get two violinists to play in tune?
Shoot one.
No really. How do you get two violinists to play in tune?
Shoot them both.
How many violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to rotate the chair they’re standing on.
How do you shut up a violinist?
You don’t.
What did one string say to the other?
We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
What’s the difference between a violinist and a cat?
The cat knows when to stop scratching.
Why don’t violin players receive very many compliments?
Because everyone knows that other instruments deserve all the compliments.
How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.
What is the range of the violin?
As far as you can kick it!
What’s the difference between buying and selling a violin?
When you are buying it, it is a fiddle. When you are selling it, it’s a violin.
What do a violinist’s fingers and lightning have in common?
They both never hit the same spot twice.
What do you call a violinist who shows up on time for rehearsal?
Unusual.
What do violins and rivers have in common?
They both have bridges.
What do you get if you cross a violin and a pig?
Hamstrings.
Why is the string section so dangerous?
Because of all the violence (violins).
Why don’t violin players go on vacation?
They can’t handle the rest.
How do you get a violin to stop playing?
Hit it with a hammer.
Why do orchestras have second violinists?
To prove that first violins are actually playing in tune.
Why does a violin have only four strings?
That’s as high as a violinist can count.
What is the difference between a fiddler and a violinist?
A fiddler is employed.
Why did Beethoven write ten violin sonatas?
Because he was deaf.
Why didn’t Tchaikovsky write any violin sonatas?
Because he wasn’t deaf.
A string trio dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. St. Peter asks them all, “What did you do with your life?”
The cellist says, “I taught people the beauty of music,” and is allowed to enter.
The violist says, “I taught people the joy of music,” and is allowed to enter.
The violinist says, “I was a concertmaster and I believe you’re in my seat.”
“Haven’t I seen your face before?” a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
“You have, Your Honor,” the man answered hopefully. “I gave your son violin lessons last winter.”
“Ah, yes,” recalled the judge. “Twenty years!”
A young violinist goes to a famous violin teacher and asks, “How much is a lesson?”
The teacher replies, “I charge £100 for three questions.”
“Wow, isn’t that quite expensive?” exclaims the violinist.
The teacher answers, “And what is your third question?”
